Davemania

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Silence is a dish best served with a side order of Shup

Oh how I wish I could share with you something that plagues me. A desire to tell what I know, but alas I can not. The urge to share something that is completely unprovable - I suppose the way I feel would be similar to someone who claims to have witnessed a UFO landing up close and personal, has no witnesses, no physical evidence, nothing. People would laugh such a one into depression, scientists would scoff - and relatives would probably deny any relationship to the the person.

No, I haven't witnessed a UFO landing. I was just making an analogy of sorts. Fact is, I'd be more willing to tell about seeing such a thing as a UFO landing or abduction than the experience(s) I've had of which I cant tell you. Don't you hate teasers? But really - at least a teaser is followed up with something.., something you're not getting here. You're feeling baited right about now, waiting for the inevitable punchline aren't you? Admit it - you are! Sorry. No fun with pun on you guys this time. Not about my unmentioned experience anyway.

No - I guess if I were to pitch you a bone, I'd say..., Sorry - I'm all out of bones. But thats not what I'm talking about either. If I told you - I'd be laughed at by half of you and the remainder would be on the phone, humoring me, while dialing up the White Suites to come and take me away - aha - come to take me away. Oh great - now I gotta get those cursed lyrics out of my head... "They're coming to take me away, aha, they're coming to take me away..." (who wrote and sung that piece? what was the title?)

Trust a shrink? Muahahah! Riiiight! Same scenario; I'd be locked away. Trust a scientists? With no proof, its a waste of time. Fact is - if you came to me - and told me this same stuff, I'd humor you, try to change the subject and failing that, I'd be - "out of there, baby!".

Perhaps this is my way of getting it out of my system without actually compromising myself. Edging to the border of getting it all out, dangerously close but stopping just short of falling off the ledge. And then, there's always that possibility that I'm delusional in this. Thats one angle I suppose. That would be nice. At least I could say - hey, I'm delusional! Ain't that great! The whole XXXXXX XXXX XXX XXXXXXX XXXXXX XXXX situation was just the meanderings of a delusional mind! and then wander off and lick a fire hydrant or something.

Well - you wanted me to write something so I did. Deal with it. No! I wont tell what it is - but thanks for asking. ABBY AND PENNY!! PUT DOWN THE BLEEPIN' PHONE! Trying to get get ahead of me huh? I thought as much. You were either dialing the National Inquirer or the Sunny Brook Nut Farm. As if.

Besides - if I told you.., those guys what dress like a cheap version of the Blues Brothers might show up at your door in unmarked vans, coming to take YOU away - aha! coming to take you away....Muahahahaa! Muahahahaa! <hack-hack-cough-wheeze>... Ahem.

Posted at 09:54 pm - Scribbled out by Daveman the Cool
<--(24) Pleading Hostages --> -Alternate Reality Speak-

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

My Daughter

Nothing in this world kills me more than to know my one and only child is hurting to no end, except not having that perfect "father knows best" words of wisdom to give her. I'm deeply concerned for her well being and she is after all, my very heart beat.

She called me tonight distressed and apologizing for things that have been long forgotten, forgiven and under the bridge. Her tearfulness and saddened state tears me apart and I feel so helpless with her situation. She's scared, worried and alone and her husband and in-laws are no help at all. They seem willing to help her except when it comes to her religious concerns and then they back away and make her feel isolated.

And now she's also terrified because of a recent development in her health with symptoms similar to a stroke - a tingling and ongoing numbness on one side of her face and hands. She goes in for an MRI either this Thursday or next to check her head (not sure the date because she was highly stressed and hard to understand at times).

If any of you believe in the power of prayer (and I do) please place her before God as I do for many of you and ask for her healing and resolve of the situation at home. I also ask you bring her, her husband and my grandson up in prayer at your Church.

Posted at 07:13 pm - Scribbled out by Daveman the Cool
<--(12) Pleading Hostages --> -Alternate Reality Speak-

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way To The Colosseum

I remember the good ol' days in my youth. POPsus, KevenTheOneArmus, Herbius, Scottius and Chrysalisius would often meet at the Emporium to discuss various philosophies and the latest Race Chariots. Yes as most men, we liked a well built six horse powered Fordius Sports Chariot. Chevion Chariots lacked the power (only 4 horses) but was favored by Spain and often equipped with hydraulic lifts and dice dangling from the rear views. They were slow but man! They looked were "leuking geud"!!!

The Emperor at that time (now forgotten to history) was Durt Claudius. He wasn't the brightest oil-wick in the lamp, but he was okay. I mean, he didn't accuse me of anything to feed me to the lions and while things stayed that way - I was happy. And the gang and I would sometimes show up at the comedy clubs and watch that great South-Roman stand up comedian, Cletusius. The man was a genius. His catch phrase I think was.., "Gitus Done" and the Wild and Crazy Stevius Martenus.. what card!

On the way to the comedy clubs we would pass the goddess of bad legs, "Vericose Vaenus" and next to her was this street vendor selling a popular unisex cologne/perfume brand, Ewus Monius. The vendor was a nice lady. Lemme see - what was her name.... AH! Sspritus or something like that.

Then we would head for the mall on occasion as walking often wore out our shoes. I preferred those designer sports sandals made by ParaCleatus. And of course who would show up at the Colosseum!? US! As spectators of course. We preferred to attend Midget Toss night. Sure it was sick but in a less barbaric sort of way than say - oh - watching people fed to the lions? So yeah, it was Midget Toss Night.

The Emperor Durt Claudius tried to have a Tall People Toss Night to keep things fair but the short people couldn't lift them, let alone toss them. Needless to say that wasn't very entertaining and people demanded their money back.

<sighs> Those were the days.

Posted at 08:43 am - Scribbled out by Daveman the Cool
<--(5) Pleading Hostages --> -Alternate Reality Speak-

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Heeeere's.., Daveman!

Welcome to the show ladies and gentledudes! It's good to see you here in the studio. And wasn't it cold out today?

[Audience: "How cold was it?"]

Ah-hem.., it was so cold..., a dog was frozen to a fire-hydrant in mid stream! [insert rim-shot]

[Audience: laughter and one faint boo]

I caught a rumor today that Vice President Chaney was invited to AbbyNormal's next Rapids Shoot. Chaney's a bit confused as he's only used to shooting quail and the occasional by-stander. Shooting rapids is a completely different sport and cant find a shooting license to cover it. Oh yah, like that stopped him before.

[Audience: laughter and one boo with a couple of hisses]

Oh c'mon. It's a joke already. Everyone knows the whole shooting thing was an accident. Speaking of accidents - Chaney had an aid bring him fresh pants after..., oh forget it - you're a tough audience tonight. Go back home and come back with a sense of humor.

[Audience: boos associated with a few giggles - camera closes in on female snorting - pans back to Daveman]

We were going to have a really good show for you this afternoon but all our guests canceled at the last minute. The Pope, ladies and gentlemen, was to show but found out we weren't paying him so he left. Which is fine by me. Also Chuck Norris, ladies and gentleman. Canceled. Why? He found out we weren't paying for his appearance.

And finally, musical guest, KevenTheOneArmedBoy canceled. Why? He was arrested and charged with being a OneArmed bandit at a local casino. It was all a misunderstanding. An old lady lost her life's savings in the slot machines - yelled in frustration.., "One armed bandit!" and of course Keven was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

[Audience: Boos, hisses and throws tomatoes]

Whaaaaat!? Stop that! Wait! I can do sock puppets - no wait - Better! Shadow puppets!!... Hey! Stop! (daveman starts backing up toward the curtain exit)

[Audience rushes stage in a rage - screen turns to static feed - test pattern pops up]

WE ARE EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.... WE NOW BRING YOU A MUSICAL INTERLUDE; "PUFF THE MAGIC, DRAG ON" BY THE, DOOBIE BROTHERS

Posted at 04:08 pm - Scribbled out by Daveman the Cool
<--(9) Pleading Hostages --> -Alternate Reality Speak-

Friday, February 17, 2006

The MEME-uars of a Daveman

This MEME brazenly stolen from Monileigh just because I could. I'm not tagging anybody - and was not tagged so breath easy. Muahahaaa!

Meme

Meme about me from A-Z

Z - Zoo's- Lets leave my kin folk out of this!

Y - Yummy food: Subway Sammiches, KFC (eat your heart out PITA!) , Taco Bell, Pizza!

X - X-rays you've had: Chest, knee, same knee, foot, same foot, same foot, same foot

W - Wearing right now: Blue Jeans, stripped blue short sleeve shoit.

V - Voting for: ME! No one else is qualified.

U - Unknown fact about me: Well - Duh! If its unknown how can I share it. When I find out - I'll let you know.

T - Time you wake up: 6:30am usually in the mornings.

S - Song you last heard: "The Lighthouse" by The Hinsons. Its a Christian/Gospel song and a beautiful one at that.

R - Reason to smile: Jesus is coming sooner than most people realize. Part of me will be exuberant the Atheists see they were wrong - but part of me will be extremely sad they never believed because then it will be too late for many. But hey - we all have decisions to make, now don't we.

Q - Quote you like: "Blow up the earth? I hope not. Thats where I keep all my stuff!" - (a faux quote), The Tick

P - Phobia : Phobia? Who said I have a phobia? WHO TOLD YOU I HAVE A PHOBIA!? I don't have a phobia - get away. Go away! You're killing me with your ... mind germs!!!.

O - One time on accident: One time I had this accident and like it was an accident and not like on purpose or anything. Its true! All of it!

N - Number of siblings: Is this a sible (Sybil) question? I have two brothers but neither one lives in my head. That would hurt.

M - Mom's name: Mom, of course.

L - Love to listen to this musical group over and over: I would think that would eventually wear past a pleasant experience and deep into insanity. I try not to wear a good thing out, ya know.

K - Kindergarten reminds you of: Dirty faced little kids and lots of snot running noses. I never had the experience of going to a kindergarten personally. They either wasn't invented yet or not as in demand.

J - Job title: Overload of Davemania

I - Instruments: I play an awesome Air Guitar, Air Saxophone, Air Drums, Air Piano - and I play a really boss "Green Hornet" theme on my Air Trumpet!

H - Home state: Candy Mountainia on planet Davemania

G - Gummy Bears or Gummy Worms: Get those things away from me, NOW!

E - Easiest person to talk to: ME! I'm the only one who speaks and understands, Davemanese.

D - Dad's name: "DAD" - thats his name since I was a kid. Got it?

C - Career in future: Great Grampa! I'm taking classes from, Pops Online Grandpawing University.

B - Band listening to right now: Non - but I could take a rubber band and pluck it to the tune of, This Old Man.

A - Age: Old enough to know better.

Posted at 06:18 pm - Scribbled out by Daveman the Cool
<--(3) Pleading Hostages --> -Alternate Reality Speak-