Davemania

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way To The Colosseum

I remember the good ol' days in my youth. POPsus, KevenTheOneArmus, Herbius, Scottius and Chrysalisius would often meet at the Emporium to discuss various philosophies and the latest Race Chariots. Yes as most men, we liked a well built six horse powered Fordius Sports Chariot. Chevion Chariots lacked the power (only 4 horses) but was favored by Spain and often equipped with hydraulic lifts and dice dangling from the rear views. They were slow but man! They looked were "leuking geud"!!!

The Emperor at that time (now forgotten to history) was Durt Claudius. He wasn't the brightest oil-wick in the lamp, but he was okay. I mean, he didn't accuse me of anything to feed me to the lions and while things stayed that way - I was happy. And the gang and I would sometimes show up at the comedy clubs and watch that great South-Roman stand up comedian, Cletusius. The man was a genius. His catch phrase I think was.., "Gitus Done" and the Wild and Crazy Stevius Martenus.. what card!

On the way to the comedy clubs we would pass the goddess of bad legs, "Vericose Vaenus" and next to her was this street vendor selling a popular unisex cologne/perfume brand, Ewus Monius. The vendor was a nice lady. Lemme see - what was her name.... AH! Sspritus or something like that.

Then we would head for the mall on occasion as walking often wore out our shoes. I preferred those designer sports sandals made by ParaCleatus. And of course who would show up at the Colosseum!? US! As spectators of course. We preferred to attend Midget Toss night. Sure it was sick but in a less barbaric sort of way than say - oh - watching people fed to the lions? So yeah, it was Midget Toss Night.

The Emperor Durt Claudius tried to have a Tall People Toss Night to keep things fair but the short people couldn't lift them, let alone toss them. Needless to say that wasn't very entertaining and people demanded their money back.

<sighs> Those were the days.

Posted at 08:43 am - Scribbled out by Daveman the Cool
<--(5) Pleading Hostages --> -Alternate Reality Speak-

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Heeeere's.., Daveman!

Welcome to the show ladies and gentledudes! It's good to see you here in the studio. And wasn't it cold out today?

[Audience: "How cold was it?"]

Ah-hem.., it was so cold..., a dog was frozen to a fire-hydrant in mid stream! [insert rim-shot]

[Audience: laughter and one faint boo]

I caught a rumor today that Vice President Chaney was invited to AbbyNormal's next Rapids Shoot. Chaney's a bit confused as he's only used to shooting quail and the occasional by-stander. Shooting rapids is a completely different sport and cant find a shooting license to cover it. Oh yah, like that stopped him before.

[Audience: laughter and one boo with a couple of hisses]

Oh c'mon. It's a joke already. Everyone knows the whole shooting thing was an accident. Speaking of accidents - Chaney had an aid bring him fresh pants after..., oh forget it - you're a tough audience tonight. Go back home and come back with a sense of humor.

[Audience: boos associated with a few giggles - camera closes in on female snorting - pans back to Daveman]

We were going to have a really good show for you this afternoon but all our guests canceled at the last minute. The Pope, ladies and gentlemen, was to show but found out we weren't paying him so he left. Which is fine by me. Also Chuck Norris, ladies and gentleman. Canceled. Why? He found out we weren't paying for his appearance.

And finally, musical guest, KevenTheOneArmedBoy canceled. Why? He was arrested and charged with being a OneArmed bandit at a local casino. It was all a misunderstanding. An old lady lost her life's savings in the slot machines - yelled in frustration.., "One armed bandit!" and of course Keven was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

[Audience: Boos, hisses and throws tomatoes]

Whaaaaat!? Stop that! Wait! I can do sock puppets - no wait - Better! Shadow puppets!!... Hey! Stop! (daveman starts backing up toward the curtain exit)

[Audience rushes stage in a rage - screen turns to static feed - test pattern pops up]

WE ARE EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.... WE NOW BRING YOU A MUSICAL INTERLUDE; "PUFF THE MAGIC, DRAG ON" BY THE, DOOBIE BROTHERS

Posted at 04:08 pm - Scribbled out by Daveman the Cool
<--(9) Pleading Hostages --> -Alternate Reality Speak-

Friday, February 17, 2006

The MEME-uars of a Daveman

This MEME brazenly stolen from Monileigh just because I could. I'm not tagging anybody - and was not tagged so breath easy. Muahahaaa!

Meme

Meme about me from A-Z

Z - Zoo's- Lets leave my kin folk out of this!

Y - Yummy food: Subway Sammiches, KFC (eat your heart out PITA!) , Taco Bell, Pizza!

X - X-rays you've had: Chest, knee, same knee, foot, same foot, same foot, same foot

W - Wearing right now: Blue Jeans, stripped blue short sleeve shoit.

V - Voting for: ME! No one else is qualified.

U - Unknown fact about me: Well - Duh! If its unknown how can I share it. When I find out - I'll let you know.

T - Time you wake up: 6:30am usually in the mornings.

S - Song you last heard: "The Lighthouse" by The Hinsons. Its a Christian/Gospel song and a beautiful one at that.

R - Reason to smile: Jesus is coming sooner than most people realize. Part of me will be exuberant the Atheists see they were wrong - but part of me will be extremely sad they never believed because then it will be too late for many. But hey - we all have decisions to make, now don't we.

Q - Quote you like: "Blow up the earth? I hope not. Thats where I keep all my stuff!" - (a faux quote), The Tick

P - Phobia : Phobia? Who said I have a phobia? WHO TOLD YOU I HAVE A PHOBIA!? I don't have a phobia - get away. Go away! You're killing me with your ... mind germs!!!.

O - One time on accident: One time I had this accident and like it was an accident and not like on purpose or anything. Its true! All of it!

N - Number of siblings: Is this a sible (Sybil) question? I have two brothers but neither one lives in my head. That would hurt.

M - Mom's name: Mom, of course.

L - Love to listen to this musical group over and over: I would think that would eventually wear past a pleasant experience and deep into insanity. I try not to wear a good thing out, ya know.

K - Kindergarten reminds you of: Dirty faced little kids and lots of snot running noses. I never had the experience of going to a kindergarten personally. They either wasn't invented yet or not as in demand.

J - Job title: Overload of Davemania

I - Instruments: I play an awesome Air Guitar, Air Saxophone, Air Drums, Air Piano - and I play a really boss "Green Hornet" theme on my Air Trumpet!

H - Home state: Candy Mountainia on planet Davemania

G - Gummy Bears or Gummy Worms: Get those things away from me, NOW!

E - Easiest person to talk to: ME! I'm the only one who speaks and understands, Davemanese.

D - Dad's name: "DAD" - thats his name since I was a kid. Got it?

C - Career in future: Great Grampa! I'm taking classes from, Pops Online Grandpawing University.

B - Band listening to right now: Non - but I could take a rubber band and pluck it to the tune of, This Old Man.

A - Age: Old enough to know better.

Posted at 06:18 pm - Scribbled out by Daveman the Cool
<--(3) Pleading Hostages --> -Alternate Reality Speak-

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Ever Meta Baby?

LAURI: (struts drunkenly toward her shabby sofa)

"The le-cat is put out Onri. Fetch me some Bonjour?"

ONRI:

"Ci - I can get you the aqua you ask-ed for, my love money biscuit flower"

--------[Onri disappears and enters with a cup full of flour]----

"Here you are senorita, my little turtle duck. Satisfy your thirst"

LAURI: (sits up, accepts the cup of flour and throws it into moving ceiling fan, then collapses onto the sofa again)

"Oh! Onri! Look! It is snowing? Yes it is. It is snowing. Sing for me, Onri, sing!"

ONRI: (empties a flower pot and places it upon his head, strumming an air guitar - sings)

"I was walking through the park one day - one day. In the very merry month of may - may. When I was punched in the groin by a midget purloined - in the merry merry month of may..., I really mean it, babey..., in.., the.., merry - merry..., month of..., mah-haaaaaay!"

(removes flower pot and crashes it to the floor - startling Lauri)

LAURI: (eyes wild - then relaxed - then wild - then relaxed)

"Onri. I want a divorce. My le-cat is now hating you so much. Does this surprise you, my love?"

ONRI: (Frowns then smiles as he speaks)

"Yes it does my gatto loving sphinx monkey toes. As you wish. I am a judge so I can give it to you now. If not for you are so pregnant? Yes you are my freaktress tartar."

LAURI: (lifts up an obvious toy doll wearing diapers)

"Yes. But no longer. I am now have my baby. He looks like you Onri? Yes he does."

(baby doll has magic marker drawn mustache)

ONRI: (strokes his naked face, eyes darting back and forth)

"I must shave. Yes! My daughter looks like me! YES! But why are you going to kill me?"

LAURI: (lifts a butcher knife in the air - baby doll is gone)

Because you have cheated on me. My baby looks like Franco - the Argentinian who is in our Gardiner employment. You cheap hussy of a man! You have bring-ed chame on me and your child? Yes - you have. So I must kill you know.

ONRI: (has profound look of guilt on his face)

But my love, my flower booger, essence of my posturity.., I do not unnerstan how we can have this baby that way with my cheating on you with Franco - the Argentinian who is in our Gardiner employment? How could I have done this?

LAURI: (intense accusatory expression)

"Metamorphosis, Onri! Metamorphosis. Thats right. LeAlien space aminal DNA transference all because of your uncontrollable - le-lust, Onri!"

END SCENE

and

~ FIN ~

Posted at 04:03 pm - Scribbled out by Daveman the Cool
<--(9) Pleading Hostages --> -Alternate Reality Speak-

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Ooo-Ooo Love Hurts

Anyone remember that song? "Love Hurts"? Thats what they say anyways. So for the last two nights and today I'm feeling major love. The foot thing again. New Doctor informs me there is no way that my foot can be causing me any pain, let alone the pain I describe.

Essentially - I take that as an insult. I wont go into the long drawn out story of yesterdays X-rays and the no show report and further refuting of my claims. I tell ya - I honestly dread even considering laying down to go to sleep. The pain is most intense at night when I try to sleep - and hence no sleep for the last two nights, getting only some cat-naps during the day in between the pain surges. The pain hits in a seizure fashion when I lay down in about an hour - and just keeps hitting off and on, just minutes apart.

So yes - if love hurts, I'm feeling it. Excuse me as I talk to my foot for a second - give me some privacy here folks....,

"Foot - we've been good friends for a lifetime but you're gunna have to stop loving me so much. I liked us best as just good friends. Oh c'mon! Don't give me that -wounded puppy dawg look! You know I cant deal with that. This doesn't mean we cant see each other. Quite the contrary. It's you and me to the end baby.., but I cant take the love anymore. Its killing me."

AHEM... anyways..., I hope your love live isn't hurting you as much as mine is me. Assuming love really does hurt, that is. I've gotta find a doctor that takes his patients at their word and doesn't call them a liar. I would far more appreciate a doctor what says.., "I gotta be honest. I don't know what the problem is at this point - so I'm sending you to see Doctor Specialist....". I respect an honest doctor. I really do.

--- I'm late this time in posting due to a problem connecting wit me dial-up ISP. Its nice to have someone to blame for something----

Posted at 07:57 pm - Scribbled out by Daveman the Cool
<--(10) Pleading Hostages --> -Alternate Reality Speak-