Davemania

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Heeeere's.., Daveman!

Welcome to the show ladies and gentledudes! It's good to see you here in the studio. And wasn't it cold out today?

[Audience: "How cold was it?"]

Ah-hem.., it was so cold..., a dog was frozen to a fire-hydrant in mid stream! [insert rim-shot]

[Audience: laughter and one faint boo]

I caught a rumor today that Vice President Chaney was invited to AbbyNormal's next Rapids Shoot. Chaney's a bit confused as he's only used to shooting quail and the occasional by-stander. Shooting rapids is a completely different sport and cant find a shooting license to cover it. Oh yah, like that stopped him before.

[Audience: laughter and one boo with a couple of hisses]

Oh c'mon. It's a joke already. Everyone knows the whole shooting thing was an accident. Speaking of accidents - Chaney had an aid bring him fresh pants after..., oh forget it - you're a tough audience tonight. Go back home and come back with a sense of humor.

[Audience: boos associated with a few giggles - camera closes in on female snorting - pans back to Daveman]

We were going to have a really good show for you this afternoon but all our guests canceled at the last minute. The Pope, ladies and gentlemen, was to show but found out we weren't paying him so he left. Which is fine by me. Also Chuck Norris, ladies and gentleman. Canceled. Why? He found out we weren't paying for his appearance.

And finally, musical guest, KevenTheOneArmedBoy canceled. Why? He was arrested and charged with being a OneArmed bandit at a local casino. It was all a misunderstanding. An old lady lost her life's savings in the slot machines - yelled in frustration.., "One armed bandit!" and of course Keven was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

[Audience: Boos, hisses and throws tomatoes]

Whaaaaat!? Stop that! Wait! I can do sock puppets - no wait - Better! Shadow puppets!!... Hey! Stop! (daveman starts backing up toward the curtain exit)

[Audience rushes stage in a rage - screen turns to static feed - test pattern pops up]

WE ARE EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.... WE NOW BRING YOU A MUSICAL INTERLUDE; "PUFF THE MAGIC, DRAG ON" BY THE, DOOBIE BROTHERS

Posted at 04:08 pm - Scribbled out by Daveman the Cool
<--(9) Pleading Hostages --> -Alternate Reality Speak-

Friday, February 17, 2006

The MEME-uars of a Daveman

This MEME brazenly stolen from Monileigh just because I could. I'm not tagging anybody - and was not tagged so breath easy. Muahahaaa!

Meme

Meme about me from A-Z

Z - Zoo's- Lets leave my kin folk out of this!

Y - Yummy food: Subway Sammiches, KFC (eat your heart out PITA!) , Taco Bell, Pizza!

X - X-rays you've had: Chest, knee, same knee, foot, same foot, same foot, same foot

W - Wearing right now: Blue Jeans, stripped blue short sleeve shoit.

V - Voting for: ME! No one else is qualified.

U - Unknown fact about me: Well - Duh! If its unknown how can I share it. When I find out - I'll let you know.

T - Time you wake up: 6:30am usually in the mornings.

S - Song you last heard: "The Lighthouse" by The Hinsons. Its a Christian/Gospel song and a beautiful one at that.

R - Reason to smile: Jesus is coming sooner than most people realize. Part of me will be exuberant the Atheists see they were wrong - but part of me will be extremely sad they never believed because then it will be too late for many. But hey - we all have decisions to make, now don't we.

Q - Quote you like: "Blow up the earth? I hope not. Thats where I keep all my stuff!" - (a faux quote), The Tick

P - Phobia : Phobia? Who said I have a phobia? WHO TOLD YOU I HAVE A PHOBIA!? I don't have a phobia - get away. Go away! You're killing me with your ... mind germs!!!.

O - One time on accident: One time I had this accident and like it was an accident and not like on purpose or anything. Its true! All of it!

N - Number of siblings: Is this a sible (Sybil) question? I have two brothers but neither one lives in my head. That would hurt.

M - Mom's name: Mom, of course.

L - Love to listen to this musical group over and over: I would think that would eventually wear past a pleasant experience and deep into insanity. I try not to wear a good thing out, ya know.

K - Kindergarten reminds you of: Dirty faced little kids and lots of snot running noses. I never had the experience of going to a kindergarten personally. They either wasn't invented yet or not as in demand.

J - Job title: Overload of Davemania

I - Instruments: I play an awesome Air Guitar, Air Saxophone, Air Drums, Air Piano - and I play a really boss "Green Hornet" theme on my Air Trumpet!

H - Home state: Candy Mountainia on planet Davemania

G - Gummy Bears or Gummy Worms: Get those things away from me, NOW!

E - Easiest person to talk to: ME! I'm the only one who speaks and understands, Davemanese.

D - Dad's name: "DAD" - thats his name since I was a kid. Got it?

C - Career in future: Great Grampa! I'm taking classes from, Pops Online Grandpawing University.

B - Band listening to right now: Non - but I could take a rubber band and pluck it to the tune of, This Old Man.

A - Age: Old enough to know better.

Posted at 06:18 pm - Scribbled out by Daveman the Cool
<--(3) Pleading Hostages --> -Alternate Reality Speak-

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Ever Meta Baby?

LAURI: (struts drunkenly toward her shabby sofa)

"The le-cat is put out Onri. Fetch me some Bonjour?"

ONRI:

"Ci - I can get you the aqua you ask-ed for, my love money biscuit flower"

--------[Onri disappears and enters with a cup full of flour]----

"Here you are senorita, my little turtle duck. Satisfy your thirst"

LAURI: (sits up, accepts the cup of flour and throws it into moving ceiling fan, then collapses onto the sofa again)

"Oh! Onri! Look! It is snowing? Yes it is. It is snowing. Sing for me, Onri, sing!"

ONRI: (empties a flower pot and places it upon his head, strumming an air guitar - sings)

"I was walking through the park one day - one day. In the very merry month of may - may. When I was punched in the groin by a midget purloined - in the merry merry month of may..., I really mean it, babey..., in.., the.., merry - merry..., month of..., mah-haaaaaay!"

(removes flower pot and crashes it to the floor - startling Lauri)

LAURI: (eyes wild - then relaxed - then wild - then relaxed)

"Onri. I want a divorce. My le-cat is now hating you so much. Does this surprise you, my love?"

ONRI: (Frowns then smiles as he speaks)

"Yes it does my gatto loving sphinx monkey toes. As you wish. I am a judge so I can give it to you now. If not for you are so pregnant? Yes you are my freaktress tartar."

LAURI: (lifts up an obvious toy doll wearing diapers)

"Yes. But no longer. I am now have my baby. He looks like you Onri? Yes he does."

(baby doll has magic marker drawn mustache)

ONRI: (strokes his naked face, eyes darting back and forth)

"I must shave. Yes! My daughter looks like me! YES! But why are you going to kill me?"

LAURI: (lifts a butcher knife in the air - baby doll is gone)

Because you have cheated on me. My baby looks like Franco - the Argentinian who is in our Gardiner employment. You cheap hussy of a man! You have bring-ed chame on me and your child? Yes - you have. So I must kill you know.

ONRI: (has profound look of guilt on his face)

But my love, my flower booger, essence of my posturity.., I do not unnerstan how we can have this baby that way with my cheating on you with Franco - the Argentinian who is in our Gardiner employment? How could I have done this?

LAURI: (intense accusatory expression)

"Metamorphosis, Onri! Metamorphosis. Thats right. LeAlien space aminal DNA transference all because of your uncontrollable - le-lust, Onri!"

END SCENE

and

~ FIN ~

Posted at 04:03 pm - Scribbled out by Daveman the Cool
<--(9) Pleading Hostages --> -Alternate Reality Speak-

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Ooo-Ooo Love Hurts

Anyone remember that song? "Love Hurts"? Thats what they say anyways. So for the last two nights and today I'm feeling major love. The foot thing again. New Doctor informs me there is no way that my foot can be causing me any pain, let alone the pain I describe.

Essentially - I take that as an insult. I wont go into the long drawn out story of yesterdays X-rays and the no show report and further refuting of my claims. I tell ya - I honestly dread even considering laying down to go to sleep. The pain is most intense at night when I try to sleep - and hence no sleep for the last two nights, getting only some cat-naps during the day in between the pain surges. The pain hits in a seizure fashion when I lay down in about an hour - and just keeps hitting off and on, just minutes apart.

So yes - if love hurts, I'm feeling it. Excuse me as I talk to my foot for a second - give me some privacy here folks....,

"Foot - we've been good friends for a lifetime but you're gunna have to stop loving me so much. I liked us best as just good friends. Oh c'mon! Don't give me that -wounded puppy dawg look! You know I cant deal with that. This doesn't mean we cant see each other. Quite the contrary. It's you and me to the end baby.., but I cant take the love anymore. Its killing me."

AHEM... anyways..., I hope your love live isn't hurting you as much as mine is me. Assuming love really does hurt, that is. I've gotta find a doctor that takes his patients at their word and doesn't call them a liar. I would far more appreciate a doctor what says.., "I gotta be honest. I don't know what the problem is at this point - so I'm sending you to see Doctor Specialist....". I respect an honest doctor. I really do.

--- I'm late this time in posting due to a problem connecting wit me dial-up ISP. Its nice to have someone to blame for something----

Posted at 07:57 pm - Scribbled out by Daveman the Cool
<--(10) Pleading Hostages --> -Alternate Reality Speak-

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Bad People Never Believe They're Bad

TIP: #1,289

When lost in the woods, always remember a tree has bark all the way around. The trick is figuring out which side is north, south, east and west. For that.., flip a coin.

Yesterday afternoon and part of the night we had brain chiggers (snow) and while I couldn't say we had any deep chigger drifts I can honestly say it got really white. Of course it vanished as the sun arose the next day - the next day meaning today.. the Sundayeth. <a little ssprite ribbing there>

The brain chiggers made me think of way back eons ago when I worked at a North Little Rock Mall, I had the night shift due to an arm injury (life long habit) and so the nice bosses wanted to keep me working rather than let me sit drawing unemployment checks.

I wasn't allowed to help the night cleaning crew but walk the floor and make sure doors were locked, look for pre-soak areas where kids leave candy and what-knot thats not easily mopped up. A new guy was hired and the night boss asked me to take this guy on my Mall Walk-About to familiarize him with the place.

New guy was getting VERY familiar with the place and feeling right at home. He even reached over into an open Kiosk and snatched the purtiest Sterling Silver Keyring I ever did see, and he did it without a concern that I was with him, and witnessed this event.

Now - he should have done like most crooks do and stole it while I wudnt lookin'. I guess he figured I was a pushover or a wimp who wouldn't hold his water on confrontation. "Yo - dude! What do you think you're doin'?" I snapped.

"Man I got me a cool key chain. Whats it to ya freak? You gunna snitch me out?" He tried to give me a menacing glare, and I gotta admit he was Basket Ball quality in height and ugly as sin.

"Dude - its not a matter of stooling, snitching or ratting. Its a matter of I ain't going to jail as an accomplice to you're snatching a $15 keychain, and I ain't losing my job covering for you. You've got two choices. One - put the keychain back. Two - I call the cops on this radio" - and held up my radio for emphasis.

The man put the keychain back, and we finished our tour. I mentioned this activity to the main night man, who said he'd keep an eye on him. One night a about a weak later (after earning trust) he was allowed to walk the floor when no one else was on duty. He had the entire Mall to his self.

The next morning - the fancy high-dollar pure decor show peace brass sprinkler (designer model) was completely disassembled and hauled away with some Kiosk goods missing and a few other odds and ends I would imagine. It took the cops about a month to catch the creep. He went to jail. I somehow picture this guy sitting in jail wondering why the world is so unfair - to him. Bad people never think they are bad. Its a fact. Sure some will say they know they are bad, but they say this just knowing that's how society views them. Down deep they don't believe it for a second or else they would stop stealing and or harming others.

Some people - you give them a break and they use you. And they use you and they use you. Sadly these morons make it hard for those who REALLY DO learn from mistakes. Personally I'd rather be honest and be free than be dishonest and spend time locked away with some big lonely sucker named, Bubba who may or may not be looking for a date and not too picky on genderocity.

Posted at 07:01 pm - Scribbled out by Daveman the Cool
<--(9) Pleading Hostages --> -Alternate Reality Speak-