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Monday, January 23, 2006
People look at me weelly strange lately. I am nawt an aminal, I'm a mayun! A hooman beyun! Shoot my guts out do I not die? Stab me enough do I not leak blood like a stuck hawg? Beat me till I'm black and blue do I not haul your glutious maximus to court and sue the pea soup out of you? I am nawt an aminal! Animals cant sue, hello!
I walk funny thats true. Listen, I got problems. But the doc says I'm much better now. NO! Not THOSE kinds of problems.., geesh! Ya macaroons! I got a messed up foot. Get a clue. I was amazed to see a reasonable facsimile of a foot this morning though still puffy somewhat. Rather than jinx myself my saying its almost well - I wont say that. I'll just leave it at a vague implication hoping my foot is too stupid to catch on.
I have a two day restraining order put on me to stay 5 feet away from AbbyNormal's blog residence when she and the Blog Police found out I was the ringleader in the party at her blog while she was away and Herb ratted out my Identity as, "Da Boss, Daveman Guido", head of the organization otherwise known as, "Thugs-R-Us". By the way, Herb. Your membership is under review. Scott - did we get that fresh shipment of cement shoes in yet? AHEM! Anyways...the rumors of KevenTheOneArmedBoy's disappearance are false. I had nothing to do wit his vanishing act. Besides, hes a very good swimmer I hear. I'm sure his body - erm - he will emerge somewhere. Kev, get the Blog Fuzz off my back and post sumpin already and clear my bad name.
My last word for today?? Ssprite. All is forgiven. I do not hold you responsible for joining Herb in ratting me out. In fact you should be getting a package today sometime by the parcel service. Our Black Unmarked Vans.., I mean.., the new UPs trucks are fairly well timely. FTS - will attest to that. ***wonders if the boys let fts go yet**
- Oh well. Later yous guys and gals! And uh.., I'll be watching you..
PS.., Penny.., that gnome in your yard... silence is golden.. aint it funny how gnomes tend to trip, fall and break sumpin?
Posted at 01:55 pm - Scribbled out by Daveman the Cool
-Alternate Reality Speak-
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Blog Police Report: AbbyNormal Blog Disturbance -also- Scott's Lawyer Kidnapped
January 22, 2006
Around 2:15 am police were called to the Blog Residence of Abby Normal in the Blog Drive district due to loud noises and crashing sounds. Complaints were phoned in by several unidentified neighbors.
The arriving Blog Police unit was met by one witness known as, Daveman, and upstanding citizen in the Blog Drive district. When our presence was noted by those trespassing in AbbyNormal's blog residence, an un determined number of thugs leaped out of windows, doors and even basement openings and escaped arrest.
According to Daveman's report the ruckus started two days ago when AbbyNormal went to take care of her sick mother who works with orphans and serves as resident angel. Daveman tried to guard the house for Abby but was over-powered by common thugs who's names are, Herb, Scott, Magoo and Jerry -all of whom belong to a secret evil organization known as, Thugs-R-Us.
Daveman further stated these assailants were soon joined by other revelers known possibly as, Ssprite, Rob, Penny, Judy, FTS, g, Sharkbait, Celandine, Mrs Diamond. These vile wicked, evil, sinister and otherwise, mean people, according to Daveman, took advantage of his good sweet trusting innocent naive nature and continued to party and trash AbbyNormal's blog residence.
Visual inspection of said residence was shocking according to officers. Pizza stuck on ceilings, coffee and food stains on walls and furniture. The refrigerator looked like it had been assaulted by the A-Team on LSD. The bathroom had cookie crumbs and unidentifiable substances in the shower/bathtub. No bodies were found, but there were two dogs and a cat holed up in the doghouse - all of which were painted green with orange spots, otherwise seemed to be in good health though scared spitless.
Daveman was questioned at length and when asked about his credentials stated he distributed food for the needy orphans, helped old ladies across the street and often entertained the sick and needy at hospitals and homeless shelters. He even placed his hand on the Bible to this effect. Although officers were suspicious when the book turned out to be the Guns & Ammo Bible of Hunters Etiquette. Investigation is ongoing.
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Officers responded to a call a few hours later at another Blog Drive district residence Lawyer's office. It appears that a Lawyer of one Scott was kidnapped and a drawer marked evidence had been forced open and emptied of its contents. The only thing left behind, perhaps an oversight was three photos of a fleet of black vans and mysterious men dressed in black hauling an unidentified male away. This investigation is ongoing.
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=== this entry is pure parody/satire with good humored stabs at really great folks - so if there's anyone lame enough to actually believe this jive, seek professional help immediately ====
Posted at 09:17 am - Scribbled out by Daveman the Cool
-Alternate Reality Speak-
Foot Getting Mo Better Shade of Blues
Well hey! Here's the news on my foot since I seen the new doctor, Doctor Krishna and taking the Cipro; While foot still has a reddish hue (diminished), the massive funny gooshie red & bluishness almost green surface has gone - and the deep red rash areas have lightened up a good deal - AND - the piece-de-la-resistance (that there meens, "and finully") the swelling on about 1/3rd of my foot has gone down so dramatical where it meets the swollen areas its almost like a cliff! Well.., I know what I mean so thats all that matters.
The only drawback? PAIN! I'm getting more foot pain - but as long as I see progress in getting the swelling and rash and gooey getting vanished - I'll deal with the pain. I figure the pain will go with the last of it. If not - then I may have a secondary problem, maybe a broken or fractured footy bone - or maybe a tendon injury? But then I'll leave that to Doctor Krishna. I'm just grateful he's not wearing a Chinese pigtail and marching around his office banging a tambourine and throwing out flowers.
Posted at 07:01 am - Scribbled out by Daveman the Cool
-Alternate Reality Speak-
Saturday, January 21, 2006
PART DUEX: "Another Broken Heart on Campus"
Ted and Alice (names replaced to protect the guilty) seemed like a great couple. I mean, they were made for each other! They were both dumpy, both wore coke-bottle lens glasses, he played an excellent guitar and she sang like an angel, they had pretty much everything in common. A very cute couple to say the least.
I would pal with Ted and Alice and join their campy sing-a-longs from time to time.., of course Ted liked to play a little Nugent on his cheap acoustic guitar just to break the, Kum-Ba-Ya / John Denver, rut on occasion. I'd sing along, crack my jokes and engage in a witty exchange of conversations with myself; i.e., impressions of John Wayne, talking to Paul Lindsey, talking to Gomer Pyle.., and so on.
Then one day I did this "invisible friend" gag, whereby I sit right from you - no one else near, place a finger from both hands on each closed eye. I call on my invisible friend to make his presence known and the invisible friend would supposedly pat the subject on the back of the head. Alice was impressed. Too impressed.
The next morning I headed across campus for the kitchen! I was ready for a hearty breakfast and get on with the classes. Alice was waiting for me in the cafeteria, approached, looked up into my eyes and said, "Dave. What are we going to tell Ted?"
I get a blank. "Tell Ted?" I quizzed. I had no idea what Alice was talking about. Alice cleared her voice then began, "About us. What do we say to Ted?"
What was it about this place? Did the art of higher learning just get a major dose of stupid? First Candy and her wrong idea, then Alice. I began questioning myself. Was I doing something that seemed to be a romantic gesture to Candy and then Alice and be oblivious to it?
I asked her again just to clarify what was going on; "What!? What are you talking about, Alice?". She reminded me about my invisible man trick and swore we made "knowing eye contact" whatever that was supposed to mean. She went on to explain she would most likely tell Ted about us herself.
Just great! A really great guy like Ted was going to be crushed over Alice's twisted idea. Naturally I explained (once again) there was NO US, and this whole thing was wrecking the friendship between all three of us. I apologized if there was something I did that gave her the wrong idea.
This long story made short; Alice became irate with me for "being a slime"? Went and told Ted I lead her on and cheated with her. I never touched the girl not even in a kiss. Anyways - Ted hated my guts, Alice went spreading tales while I stood with somebody else's egg on my face.
Anywho - I learned a valuable lesson from those days. Some women really are nuts. I mean, that sort of thing just never happened all the time - but those two times really left me with sense of constant worrying about sending the wrong message. I mean.. am I the one thats nuts and these girls were simply a victim of my Donny Juan charms? Nah. I have all the charm of a drunken gorilla in a fine china shop. (yeah Its supposed to be bull - but this is my blog so back off).
Posted at 09:13 am - Scribbled out by Daveman the Cool
-Alternate Reality Speak-
Friday, January 20, 2006
Part II to my last post is interrupted as I bring you the following report(s)...,
Neighbor approaches house in the dark as I sit on the porch conversing with my ailing foot. A sudden strange animal like squelch comes from the edge of black enshrouded woods. Intelligent soul that I am I reasoned (after strong analytical approach) that this was a Space Monkey. As we super intellects know, Space Monkeys are rife this time of year in these parts.
I went to the new Doctor who's first or last name is .., are you ready for this? "Krishna". In backwater Arkansas! So whats in a name. The thing is the man. Anywho the new second opinion doctor disagrees with my regular (soon to be former) doctor. Former doctor says it's Phlebitis. New Doctor says he believes it is a bad skin infection and uses a word that I cant spell but sounds like [Seh-bite-iss]. I tried looking up this word under several different spellings and didn't find anything close to my problem.
Anyway he placed me on an antibiotic, Cypro (forgot spelling), changing my last antibiotic. He says the the foot swelling, fever in it and red-jelly like appearance on top of the foot should go away within a week (7-days). I started to take a pic of it and post it here BUT last time I posted my inflamed galded looking area on my belly, people passed out, the national guard was called in, the CDC closed down entire countries - so - thought I'd spare you my feet which made that one look like a mere jello stain.
So if you're as sick of hearing me belly ache about my foot as I am, I'm willing to bet even an Atheist will resort to prayer for me just to shut me up. So prayers are always welcome, from anyone.., oh and beware of the Space Monkeys, okay?
Part Two to last Entry coming up so DON'T TOUCH THAT DIAL and Stay Tuned In!
Posted at 07:04 pm - Scribbled out by Daveman the Cool
-Alternate Reality Speak-
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