Davemania

Friday, November 25, 2005

*A*L*E*R*T* - "Aliens to invade Earth in 2010"

[UPDATE BELOW] Warning! In the year 2010, aliens are due to land in the Midwest and some other part of these United States! How do I know? Sylvia Browne, said so on the Montel Show [why he gives the woman airtime i have nooo idea]. She says their intentions will be to enlighten mankind and I suspect bring us some Intergalactic Style Pizza...., how else you gunna spread the love without Pizza? Ya cant!

Be sure when I say, aliens and landings, I'm not talking about a crowded Cuban Taxi washing ashore to bring us new technologies like the Cuban Cigar Lighter and Flashlights. No, Sylvia means, extraterrestrials, "Phone Home", E.T.s from outer space. This comes from the woman who foresaw the IRS being shut down in a year or two of her prediction - which I might add never happened. Is it me or does Sylvia Brown look like Mr. Roper in drag? I'm not trying to be cruel here.., its just an observation. I'm certain I'd never be Mr Atlas, so no, I'm not throwing stones. Gravel YES! Rocks, no.

UPDATE: Canadian accuses U.S. Bush Administration of attempting to start an Intergalactic war! Wants Canadian Parliment to establish ExoPolitics to be the first in rolling out the red carpet for extraterrestrials. President Bush replied; "Like my momma used to say, the only good ET is a daid ET. Kill em all and god sort em out"

In unrelated news.., sadly, Pat Morita of Karate Kid fame (Mr. Miyagi & Arnold on Happy Days) has died at the age of 73 from natural causes. I don't buy his death was from natural causes, but I guess its possible. Certainly its not unheard of. So get off my back. My theory is that the same Black Dragon Ninjas that got Bruce Lee and his son, nailed him with the Rubber Hand of death! This is an ancient art that takes years to master - waving a giant flexible rubber hand in such a way it causes the victim to die from laughter.

Capti-tan Nemo

Posted at 09:27 am - Scribbled out by Daveman the Cool
<--(5) Pleading Hostages --> -Alternate Reality Speak-

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

My Autobiography Ran Out Of Gas

HAPPY THANKSGIVING DAY

I tried to come up with something by way of a beautiful poetic sentiment, but it's just not flowing through the ol' neural portals. Suffice it to say that I hope you and your families gather in warm embrace. May you all give thanks for your many blessings, and may you receive many blessings to come.

I'm sorry I have been vacant but I haven't been doing well. I'm not dying yet (that I'm aware of anyway). I'm still not up to snuff but wanted to thank you all for your concern and will be posting soon enough and I'll bring my cane and threaten you all for old times sake.

To my friends... "Thank you all for your concern and kind remarks"

To My Enemies (whoever you are) "Fear me - I am not out of the picture just yet!" Muahahahaaa! Muahahahaaa! Muahahahaaa! Muahahahaaa! <<cough-cough-wheeeeeeze-hack-hack-cough>> Ahem.

Don't give up on me folks. I still have a few more things to say. Much Love People, Much Love!

Posted at 11:59 pm - Scribbled out by Daveman the Cool
<--(12) Pleading Hostages --> -Alternate Reality Speak-

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Ravings of the Redeye Knight

I walked over to her and waved my hand in a slight meaningless gesture..., "You will feed me. You will give me money. And you'll loan me your car."

AbbyNormal, yells out for her husband, "MAG! Daveman's back trying to use that stupid Redeye Knight mind trick on me again!", Magnum is heard from another room, "Smash his head with a vase or something, I'm busy right now." The kids were all excited, come rushing up wanting to catch the action.

I watched her pull up a rather large iron skillet and thus I decided to cut my losses and split, feeling the air from her determined swing swish down my neck in a very narrow miss. I really don't know why my Redeye Mind Trick didn't work this time. I've been there several times and each time it fails to work. The other Redeye Knights are gunna laugh me out of this galaxy if I don't get a handle on this skill.

I mean, I'm all geared up! I have my cape, my Sams Cola cardboard box hat. I even have my flashlight saber. Come to think of it the light wont beam into a glowing blade so I may have to paint a stick in fluorescent green and duct tape it to the flashlight. That'll work.

My Redeye Mind Trick worked perfectly on Herb. I walked up to his front door, knocked, and when he answered, I waved my hand (just as the Redeye Knight manual says) and said to him, "You want to give me money." Poor Herb didn't realize the power of a Redeye Knight! He turned to his wife and said, "Marge, do you got a couple of dollars? Daveman is here begging again." Herb's wife yelled back, "Just give him the money and get rid of man before the neighbors see him!"

Yes its true. I am a Redeye Knight and thus a student of the Farce. The Farce is all around us. It has a good side and a bad side. To fall on the dark side of the Farce I would have to change my name to something like, Darf Maw, or Darf Gator or even something more sinister, R.J. Irkman..., and then I'd be a Syth Knight. I'm sorry but I do not want to go to the dark side of the Farce and people would probly call me a Sythy. That just don't sound cool, ya know.

In the early days of learning the ways of the Farce I went to Master Toyota for my training. He was short, green and really tough! I recall the first lesson. Master Toyota asked me, "What sound is one hand clapping, yes?" I shrugged. Toyota held up one hand, "See this do you?"

"Yes, Master Toyota, I see one hand." With that, Toyota slapped the snot out of me -POW!- leaving an imprint of his hand.

"That is sound of one hand clapping! Yes, Mmm-Hmm, It is", said Master Toyota in his smug tone of voice. At this point he wanted me to lift a heavy X-Wing Spaceship out of a bog using my mind. "Lift this with your mind you will!"

"I cant! I cant! Okay - I will try." I said. Master Toyota looked at me really hard and mean.., "No try! DO!". So I walked out into the bog and started willing the thing to rise but nothing happened. "Master Toyota, I cant!"

"Use your mind. The Farce will guide you. Use your mind young Redeye Knight."

Then it dawned on me! I had no idea what he was talking about. "Master, could you help me out here, I'm new at this after all".

"STICK YOUR HEAD UNDER THE SHIP! Lift it with your head, you will, yes. Mmm-Hmm, You will."

I gotta be honest. I hate Master Toyota, I really do. I still have a cracked skull with surgical steel titanium plating riveted over it. However, that was not the worst experience in my Redeye Knight way of life.

I met this really BEAUTIFUL intergalactic Princess. Princess Haha. Oh man she was a looker! We even kissed and I hoped we could be boyfriend and Girlfriend. But then We found out we were actually brother and sister and I had to wash my mouth out with Clorox Bleach for a month, which still did little to clear up that attachment to a sister thing.. Oh Man!

After Princess Haha married my best buddy, Hands SoLow (a Native American Indian name I think) then I find out she wasn't my sister at all! In fact I don't have any sisters! Oh well. No one said the way of the Redeye was a perfect one. I'll be going now. BUT DON'T YOU MOVE or go anywhere. I'm coming to your house next.

*** dave waves his hand in a slight meaningless gesture*** "You will have your car gassed up, and money on hand when I get there. Oh, and pack me a light lunch"

MOVIE ALERT: Do not rent the movie; HG Wells, War of the Worlds "The War to End All Wars". Do not confuse this with the new War of the Worlds with Tom Cruise. No, this particular movie was released directly to DVD, I think. Non the less, this movie sucks bricks big time! Its based on the original Book plot and its related time period (late 1800s). That acting sucks, the special effects suck even the mustaches were obviously fake. Had Spielberg used this concept, it would have worked. SAVE YOUR MONEY!

Posted at 11:10 am - Scribbled out by Daveman the Cool
<--(8) Pleading Hostages --> -Alternate Reality Speak-

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Bubba Goes Grocery Shoppin'

A man visits his daughter. During this visit, suddenly the sound of broken glass erupts from daughters bedroom, along with thunderous clashings. Daughter and father stunned. The man gets up from his seat and investigates, opens and closes door behind him.

A few seconds pass of more violent noises, the door opens, man emerges disheveled, tells daughter to call the cops then disappears behind the door again. More hell breaks loose for 40 agonizing minutes. Just before police arrives he emerges from the a blood strewn room, a little dazed, blood stains on his shirt with a slight smile pronounced upon his victorious face.

Inside the bedroom lay the body of a deer with a broken neck. The man thumbs toward the carcass in her bedroom..,"I don't know why you women fuss so much. Grocery shoppin' ain't so hard. Lets eat"

Editors Note: This is not a joke but a real incident that took place in my home state, Arkansas. Which at this point I want to remind people - this man EARNED his right to respect, do don't mess wit him. - news story click here - only the man's final comments were adlibbed for effect, so get off my back. Maybe we should send him over to stop the MidEast Terrorists all by himself, just him, them and somebody to bury the bodies.

Posted at 10:06 am - Scribbled out by Daveman the Cool
<--(12) Pleading Hostages --> -Alternate Reality Speak-

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

When You Are Sick, Remember This

Its that time of year again, yep. "Tis the season to be sneezin'," and you just got to take care of yourself. Get plenty of bed rest. Thats important that you follow my advice or those cold and flu demons will stay with you longer than you would like. The sore throats are absolutely the worst.

Next be sure to take your medicine and drink lots and lots of fluid to keep your body from dehydrating. Do this and you should be okay in a couple of weeks. Ignore my advice and you'll feel so bad you couldn't stand to look at yourself in the mirror for quite a while, and could end up in the hospital with Walking pneumonia.

- Dr. Daveman

Posted at 08:48 am - Scribbled out by Daveman the Cool
<--(7) Pleading Hostages --> -Alternate Reality Speak-