Davemania

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Ravings of the Redeye Knight

I walked over to her and waved my hand in a slight meaningless gesture..., "You will feed me. You will give me money. And you'll loan me your car."

AbbyNormal, yells out for her husband, "MAG! Daveman's back trying to use that stupid Redeye Knight mind trick on me again!", Magnum is heard from another room, "Smash his head with a vase or something, I'm busy right now." The kids were all excited, come rushing up wanting to catch the action.

I watched her pull up a rather large iron skillet and thus I decided to cut my losses and split, feeling the air from her determined swing swish down my neck in a very narrow miss. I really don't know why my Redeye Mind Trick didn't work this time. I've been there several times and each time it fails to work. The other Redeye Knights are gunna laugh me out of this galaxy if I don't get a handle on this skill.

I mean, I'm all geared up! I have my cape, my Sams Cola cardboard box hat. I even have my flashlight saber. Come to think of it the light wont beam into a glowing blade so I may have to paint a stick in fluorescent green and duct tape it to the flashlight. That'll work.

My Redeye Mind Trick worked perfectly on Herb. I walked up to his front door, knocked, and when he answered, I waved my hand (just as the Redeye Knight manual says) and said to him, "You want to give me money." Poor Herb didn't realize the power of a Redeye Knight! He turned to his wife and said, "Marge, do you got a couple of dollars? Daveman is here begging again." Herb's wife yelled back, "Just give him the money and get rid of man before the neighbors see him!"

Yes its true. I am a Redeye Knight and thus a student of the Farce. The Farce is all around us. It has a good side and a bad side. To fall on the dark side of the Farce I would have to change my name to something like, Darf Maw, or Darf Gator or even something more sinister, R.J. Irkman..., and then I'd be a Syth Knight. I'm sorry but I do not want to go to the dark side of the Farce and people would probly call me a Sythy. That just don't sound cool, ya know.

In the early days of learning the ways of the Farce I went to Master Toyota for my training. He was short, green and really tough! I recall the first lesson. Master Toyota asked me, "What sound is one hand clapping, yes?" I shrugged. Toyota held up one hand, "See this do you?"

"Yes, Master Toyota, I see one hand." With that, Toyota slapped the snot out of me -POW!- leaving an imprint of his hand.

"That is sound of one hand clapping! Yes, Mmm-Hmm, It is", said Master Toyota in his smug tone of voice. At this point he wanted me to lift a heavy X-Wing Spaceship out of a bog using my mind. "Lift this with your mind you will!"

"I cant! I cant! Okay - I will try." I said. Master Toyota looked at me really hard and mean.., "No try! DO!". So I walked out into the bog and started willing the thing to rise but nothing happened. "Master Toyota, I cant!"

"Use your mind. The Farce will guide you. Use your mind young Redeye Knight."

Then it dawned on me! I had no idea what he was talking about. "Master, could you help me out here, I'm new at this after all".

"STICK YOUR HEAD UNDER THE SHIP! Lift it with your head, you will, yes. Mmm-Hmm, You will."

I gotta be honest. I hate Master Toyota, I really do. I still have a cracked skull with surgical steel titanium plating riveted over it. However, that was not the worst experience in my Redeye Knight way of life.

I met this really BEAUTIFUL intergalactic Princess. Princess Haha. Oh man she was a looker! We even kissed and I hoped we could be boyfriend and Girlfriend. But then We found out we were actually brother and sister and I had to wash my mouth out with Clorox Bleach for a month, which still did little to clear up that attachment to a sister thing.. Oh Man!

After Princess Haha married my best buddy, Hands SoLow (a Native American Indian name I think) then I find out she wasn't my sister at all! In fact I don't have any sisters! Oh well. No one said the way of the Redeye was a perfect one. I'll be going now. BUT DON'T YOU MOVE or go anywhere. I'm coming to your house next.

*** dave waves his hand in a slight meaningless gesture*** "You will have your car gassed up, and money on hand when I get there. Oh, and pack me a light lunch"

MOVIE ALERT: Do not rent the movie; HG Wells, War of the Worlds "The War to End All Wars". Do not confuse this with the new War of the Worlds with Tom Cruise. No, this particular movie was released directly to DVD, I think. Non the less, this movie sucks bricks big time! Its based on the original Book plot and its related time period (late 1800s). That acting sucks, the special effects suck even the mustaches were obviously fake. Had Spielberg used this concept, it would have worked. SAVE YOUR MONEY!

Posted at 11:10 am - Scribbled out by Daveman the Cool
<--(8) Pleading Hostages --> -Alternate Reality Speak-

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Bubba Goes Grocery Shoppin'

A man visits his daughter. During this visit, suddenly the sound of broken glass erupts from daughters bedroom, along with thunderous clashings. Daughter and father stunned. The man gets up from his seat and investigates, opens and closes door behind him.

A few seconds pass of more violent noises, the door opens, man emerges disheveled, tells daughter to call the cops then disappears behind the door again. More hell breaks loose for 40 agonizing minutes. Just before police arrives he emerges from the a blood strewn room, a little dazed, blood stains on his shirt with a slight smile pronounced upon his victorious face.

Inside the bedroom lay the body of a deer with a broken neck. The man thumbs toward the carcass in her bedroom..,"I don't know why you women fuss so much. Grocery shoppin' ain't so hard. Lets eat"

Editors Note: This is not a joke but a real incident that took place in my home state, Arkansas. Which at this point I want to remind people - this man EARNED his right to respect, do don't mess wit him. - news story click here - only the man's final comments were adlibbed for effect, so get off my back. Maybe we should send him over to stop the MidEast Terrorists all by himself, just him, them and somebody to bury the bodies.

Posted at 10:06 am - Scribbled out by Daveman the Cool
<--(12) Pleading Hostages --> -Alternate Reality Speak-

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

When You Are Sick, Remember This

Its that time of year again, yep. "Tis the season to be sneezin'," and you just got to take care of yourself. Get plenty of bed rest. Thats important that you follow my advice or those cold and flu demons will stay with you longer than you would like. The sore throats are absolutely the worst.

Next be sure to take your medicine and drink lots and lots of fluid to keep your body from dehydrating. Do this and you should be okay in a couple of weeks. Ignore my advice and you'll feel so bad you couldn't stand to look at yourself in the mirror for quite a while, and could end up in the hospital with Walking pneumonia.

- Dr. Daveman

Posted at 08:48 am - Scribbled out by Daveman the Cool
<--(7) Pleading Hostages --> -Alternate Reality Speak-

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Night of the Iguana Piranha

When daughter was around 8 years of age, I purchased for her one beautiful Beta.., a black beauty with a blue stripe. She named him(?) Cuddles. Cuddles was her very sweet and cuddly enduring friend. To everything else that moved it was a creature from hell's depths and he sat in his rather large Gold Fish Bowl in the living room, where I could insure that she fed the creature.

One morning I happened to turn my head and catch the yellow Tom Cat perched with paws on either side of the rim of the bowl, licking his chops. The cat figured it was a Long John Silver's buffet - poor thing. Before he knew what had happened, Tom Kitty leaped up into the air and ran for his life! Cuddles had launched himself like a Pershing missile and darted the cat right in the nose. Tom Kitty never came around that bowl again, despite the prayers of Cuddles that he would.

Then there was the day daughter and I watched Cuddles swimming, quite content and calm. We discussed why we could Not put other fish in the tank with Cuddles, and as if to punctuate the point, a fly lit on the rim of Cuddle's domain. Launching up out of the water and back again, the poor fly was subtly removed from existence with a waterly "bloop!".

Alas, poor Cuddles, we knew him well. He was the fish straight from hell. But he lived his life in fear of nothing, and in that I am sure he died quite content. Rest his little fishy soul in peace. He lived for about a year and died. We gave him a fitting funeral. "Dig a hole, daughter, and make it deep! We don't want him coming back!!"

EDITORS NOTE: No human beings were harmed during the events as described. However, two cats, a goat and several chickens are unaccounted for. **shrugs**

Posted at 11:25 am - Scribbled out by Daveman the Cool
<--(6) Pleading Hostages --> -Alternate Reality Speak-

Sunday, October 30, 2005

My Grandson - the Little Ninja!

My daughter took these pics of the LITTLE NINJA today and sent them to me ... LoL...., and he's buzzing the house now that he's found his legs mucho better.., pushing kitchen chairs and pushing his luck. I fuzzed the background on one pic, and totally replaced the background on his Little Ninja shot.
I suspect his daddy (being a blackbelt in karate) tried to pose the little guy in his Ninja outfit, with his left arm down, and right arm crooked for a swift punch.

Posted at 10:29 pm - Scribbled out by Daveman the Cool
<--(8) Pleading Hostages --> -Alternate Reality Speak-