I had no idea what the day would lead to. Non. Had my coffee, toast, one egg and a slice of crispy fried swine. After that my whole world was turned upside down and it started with a knock on the door. A rather tall shabby looking figure stood on the front porch with bible the size of which any Texan would be proud of. He wore a broad brimmed hat and completely dressed in black. Perhaps a religious Johnny Cash fan?
"Dew yew know Jezusssss?" he asked.
"Well - that depends on what you mean. I don't have breakfast with him nor do we play cards on Saturday night, but I know who you're talking about. And no. I'm not interested in whatever it is you're peddling. No disrespect intended but could you get the hell off my property please? I seen you in a horror movie once and things went sour for the family who humored you. Live long, prosper but leave, thank you."
He gave me a toothy grin. He must not have brushed his teeth in a mellinia or three, cocked his head to one side and replied in that drawn out slow voice.., "Yeew don't understand. I am heeere to saaave your soooul and save yeeew from hell. Dew yeeew want ta go teew heeeeell?" - his voice and tone not threatening but still left me feeling very uncomfortable.
"Yeew need ta haaave Jeeeezussss, an yeeeew wont go teeeeew hell", he continued. "Ya see, Jeeeezussss sent me here."
"Oh! So you have breakfast with Jesus every morning?" Feeling spooked, I don't mind people exercising their religious freedoms, hey I have my beliefs and I'm not shifting them for any denomination or in this case, cultism. "Well - I'm not going to debate with you here.., whats your name?"
"Brother Jesse Baskum, frum down thuh road. Thats who I ayum" Brother Baskum said with that unholy smile.
"Mister, Baskum? Ok - well - When you see Jesus - tell him we had a talk and I'll get back with him tonight and he and I can talk in private."
It was about this time when the police pulled up in the driveway in a cloud of dust (I live in a dirt/gravel road) and they errupted from their vehicles, guns drawn shouting for me to get down and this Brother Baskum to put his hands up. I didn't call the cops YET. Man! These guys were good and I complied and hitting the deck hard, bruised my chin in fact.
Brother Baskum, raised his heavy duty bible and started shouting something to the effect of, "Demons, I adjure yeew to be gawn or suffer the wrath of Gawd! I am the mortician of Gawd and have a mission heeere."
The cops kept screaming at the man to comply with their orders over and over while Baskum repeated himself when I yelled out, "Shoot his assss! Shoot his asss! I don't wanna hear this twisted crap anymore. Shoot him, shoot me, doesn't matter. Just shoot something".
About that moment in time - the shorter cop comes closer, slowly, weapon in one hand and something else in the other, then fires the object in his other hand - Baskum went down, dropping his bible and convulsing with wires attached to his torso, the other end connecting him to the cop. Stun gun! Amazing little device. I think the badge must have hit the button an extra three times for fun.
The police took Brother Baskum into custody, and I spent an hour answering questions and asked to sign some affidavit varifying my report. When I asked why the affidavit the officer told me that the man is a leader of some new off the wall cult and if his followers decided to seek revenge on, they would at least have my testimony to help make charges stick against him.
Oh just great! Now I have to be on the look out for men-in-black Johnny Cash wannabe's. Well. One bit of good news here is a detective from the police department called and said it would be ok if I told you I am pulling your leg if you haven't figured it out by now.
Have a good day!
~ Dave
Posted at 08:17 am - Scribbled out by
Daveman the Cool
-Alternate Reality Speak-
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