I woke up to the sound of chants outside my window.., "All Hail Dave! All Hail Dave! All Hail Dave!". So I get up, open the window and see something like 500 unwashed homeless people (they prefer the term Bums, thank you very much) carrying makeshift signs.
When I stuck my head out the window - a hush washed across them like an ocean. All of them dropped to one knee as what appeared to be their spokesman approached carrying a big stick shaped like a sword. As he neared the window I asked, "Dude.., what the he.., what the.. ?? Whats going on here?"
"I am Leonerd, your humble servant. We heard of your quest to be King of the Bums, and we want you to rule over us, sire." - said Leonerd.
"Get the heck out of my yard. What thuh.."?
"But Sire.., we wish you to be our king.., King David of the Bums. We only want you to rule over us. We will do whatever thy bidding be", came his moving but obviously mentally unbalanced plea.
"Yeah, yeah.., I get that. And as my first edict, 'get the heck out of my yard!'. I as your King am hereby ordering you out of my yard. Go stand in the street. Anywhere, just not in my yard."
Leonerd, turned to the people.., "Scum! You heard our King - MOVE IT!". The people rose in unison, shuffling onto the road.
So I went back to bed, and the phone rang. I panicked, ran and hid in the bathroom. The ringing would not stop - then realized it might be news on my daughter, so I answered the thing. My mistake! It was the neighbor. It seems my loyal subjects were having a party in their back yard and trying to catch said neighbor's cat for their celebratory feast, celebrating the fact they have found their King. My neighbor also said they named ME as their King and overload.., or something to that effect and so he expected me to do something about this fiasco.
I got dressed, went over to the neighbor's house. The bums were in the back yard lounging around all smacking their lips and rubbing their tummies next to a pile of bones.
"TELL ME YOU DID NOT EAT THE CAT!" - I yelled, in horror.
Leonard, approached, dropping to one knee. "No master.., we could not catch the cat. It was a dog, and we thank you for this bounty. It was quite good and much more filling than cat. Goes further too".
"I hope you know, you can go to jail for what you just did."
Leonard, rose to his feet, turned to the croud..., "Master has just offered us free room and board!" - to which the entirety of the gathering of the bums rose to their feet and started chanting, "All Hail King Dave! All Hail King Dave!"
So now, my loyal subjects are basking in a luxury suit at several police stations, but not before I told them.., "You have proved your loyalty - and when you get out of your temporary homes, I send you on a quest. I have a friend - a powerful wizard, in fact, named Herb who lives somewhere in the land called Colorado. You will seek him out and remain there till you hear from me."
~ King Daveman
|LEGAL DISCLAIMER: The above story was a complete fabrication regardless of how totally believable it appeared to be. However, the part where I woke up, was true. I in fact did wake up this morning. No real animals were harmed for your entertainment. Any resemblance to actual bums (living or dead) depicted herein is considered pure coincidence and nothing more. If any portion of this story (save for the fact that I woke up this morning) is mistaken as a true account, I can arrange for professional counseling at persons expense, not mine. I'm not a wealthy man, you yo-yos.|
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