Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Its true. I am the coolest, baddest dude ever. In my mid-life crises, I spared no expense on genuine imitation leather jacket and chaps - without the chaps, and my hog is a top of the line Fisher Price trike, fully loaded, baby.
So I tooled down town yesterday just to show off when I ran into this biker gang, what thought they were all that and a bag of greasy fries. The punks. Oh sure, all three of these thugs were riding some nice ten speed Schwinns, but they really were just punks after you strip away all that youthful testosterone and the Schwinns.
They sported the colors of, The Bad Ashes.., blue jean jackets with a picture of cigarette butt filled ashtrays on the backs.., a notorious gang to be sure. As they surrounded me on the road, the leader motioned me to pull off at a local greasy spoon. Not being one to run from trouble - I complied.
In the parking lot of, Le Shady Grady's Café, we all dismounted our rides, and I stood alone in the midst of these punk hooligans like Billy Jack in the Bored Losers. One of them called the leader by name.., "Jam Sammich.., maybe we shouldn't mess wit da old dude. I mean, a dude his age riding a Fisher Price trike has just gotta be tough.". The leader paused, eyed me cautiously, like sizing up something potentially meaner than he was..., "Yeah, Panky. Maybe you're right."
I stood my ground and sneered at em.., "I know what you're thinkin' punks; Did I pass wind once, twice or did I unload the whole gland at one time back on the road? You maybe thinking the chamber is empty.., BUT..,the real question is; do you feel lucky, punks? Well..., do ya?"
Jam Sammich, eyed his crew.., "I dont know about this. Looks like we just stirred up a stink bigger than us, boys." And with that he approached me cautiously, his hands wide.., "Dude, what say we settle this the old fashioned way. We pay you money to leave us alone and we leave you alone."
I thought it over. I really didn't want to open up a whole can of stink on these boys. Their screaming would be almost unbearable. "Deal. Pay up. And if you think about short changing me, I must warn you. I armed myself this morning with two cans of Bushes Best baked beans. I've had my eye on a cool, ice blue Fisher Price Big Wheel, that I been saving up for and your contributions will make my dream machine, come true."
Jam Sammich and Panky shelled out the entire contents of their wallets. The third one drew out his wallet but hesitated on extracting his money. "Butt Shank.., you better hand it over dude. This guy means business. We don't need a dual can of beans unleashed on us" said Jam Sammich, with a tear welling up.
Butt Shank, caved in and paid me off. To this day, even though its not even been a full 24 hours, they show respect and keep a distance. Yep - I'm bad, but when you ride a Fisher Price trike in public, you gotta be. Just wait till them boys see my Turbo Charged walker! Yeah buddy! I SO RAWK!
IF YOU HAVENT VOTED ON THE CAPTIONS - BE PATRIOTIC AND SCROLL DOWN TO THE LAST BLOG ENTRY AND VOTE! I know where you live! No I dont, but you do and that fact alone should scare you.
TERRI - I cant open your blog. Everytime I go to pull it up, it closes down my browser cold. I think its haunted or something.
Posted at 11:30 am - Scribbled out by Daveman
-Alternate Reality Speak-
Sunday, October 14, 2007
YEP! You are going to vote for your favorite caption. Isnt that fun ladies and gentle-dudes? Yew darn bet ya it is. VOTE and Pay Attention to those who have entered more than once because I assigned a number along with the name to avoid confusion.
DEADLINE FOR CAPTION VOTING IS Wednesday (Oct.17, 07)
V O T E
Posted at 10:21 am - Scribbled out by Daveman
-Alternate Reality Speak-
Saturday, October 13, 2007
I just saw a tv show whereby the cast were eating hamburgers. Now I am hungry for burgers. While I'm on the subject - home hamburgers, especially if I make them don't taste as good as those you go out to splurge on. Why is that?
Same thing with sandwiches. I could make the same identical sandwich, using every thing me Mom would make them with, and it never tastes as good as hers. Perhaps its all psychological, but really. I think Moms have a magical touch or something.
Somebody fix me a fat burger please. With mayo, tomato, cheese, lettuce - hold the onions. Oh! And two slices of bacon would be good. Just slide it through the USB port and send the bill to BluesBrutha.
NOTICE FOR TERRI:
I tried to visit your blog but it kept closing down my browser. It hates me, I think. I'll try again later because it's nothing new. Yep, its happened before. I still have no clue as to why that happens. Its like totally funky. Strange even.
Posted at 10:17 pm - Scribbled out by Daveman
-Alternate Reality Speak-
I Think I Skeered a Spook!
Its about time the tables were turned. Its like 12:10 am (yes I'm up late) and went outside for a spell. I wandered over near the dark woods on the property and MAN! I got a chill.., okay.., its like 40 degrees out so .., whatever.., but I'm talking like the creepy crawly type of chills.., like something was right there with me, but I couldn't see it.
I don't like to up and say "Dude! Its a Ghost and I am sooo out of here!". Thats not logical. From past experience I can tell you there are unseen things that can and will scare the peaches to rolling down your pants leg - but this is not so in every case. Most of the time, its very explainable - things like over active imagination can give you the willies just by itself.
Anyways - I was using my logical side of the brain (which ever side that is) and said to myself.., "Dude. There ain't no haint out here. Got that! You are giving yourself the willies." Satisfied with that, I ditched the whole flight temptation (never could fly anyway). Made myself stand there, longer than I normally would just to spite that odd sensation.
Well - Funny thing. Something was rubbing the back of my head.., from the nap of the neck up toward the top of my head. This was a bit more than I expected, and was a far cry from imagination. Still, I didn't run. I WALKED, and resisted the urge to run VERY FAST, as unnerving as this experience was.
Halfway between the house and where I was when it started, I stopped and thought.., "Dude! I am NOT going to let something I cant see have fun at my expense", so I turned around as fast as I could (bad back and all) and flung my arms out as if I were attacking/scaring it - - whatever it was. It stopped! I started on back to the house and it started again. I wheeled around doing the same thing as before only this time, I waggled my pointing finger in the negative, "Don't even!". And it quit for good.
Now - I gotta be honest. I never had that happen before. It felt almost solid, and added weight to the back of my head, but it didn't have the same sensation as you would .., say.., if I were to rub your head in the same area. Ever see that gooshy rubber stuff they use in kids toys? The sensation would be similar to rubbing that on the back of your head.
I'm well aware that not everyone has any kind of weird unnatural experience, but others do. My advice is - Never run unless you are obviously in danger. A person must get a grip and understand these things cant hurt you. Get mad or neutral, just don't let fear take hold. As for why this "thing" did what it did, maybe it liked my new gray hair I'm sporting - I really have no idea.
THE DEADLINE FOR THE CAPTION CONTEST IS TODAY! (Saturday)! So if you havent entered your caption Click here and do so now. Midnight tonight, its over with.
Posted at 12:11 am - Scribbled out by Daveman
-Alternate Reality Speak-
Friday, October 12, 2007
News 4 Ladies & Meet Buddy
News! You might want to start going Au Natural for a while. NO! Don't start walking around nekkit. I'm talking about your make up - or at least part of it. It seems quite a bit of lip stick, even the popular brands contain lead, based on recent tests. Click here for the full news article
Let me introduce, Buddy, who also answers to the names, Cowboy, Buddy Wuddy, Bo Bo and perhaps a half dozen other names. He's a transient, that has been kind of adopted by a select few neighbors, but mainly haunts the place where I abode. Myself and baby brother (who's as big as a house) aka TVI..., pitched in with a local animal group to get poor buddy neutered. It seems the other neighbors while fond of Buddy, were not quite THAT fond of Buddy. He's a Border Collie mix. I can only guess they think a Border Collie is an illegal or something.
Yesterday I took him to have the deed done, and have to pick him up today. The trip down there left a feeling of sending poor Buddy to his execution. The conversation in the car went something like this..,
ME: Sorry dude. This hurts me more than it does you, but hey, this is the price you pay when you keep running after loose females.
HE: Dang! You are a cruel SOB! I cant help it! The ladies are so fine and I'm just providing a service.., ya know. And how is it going to hurt you worse than me? You freak!
ME: Yeah right. You knock up some girl K9s and how are you gunna pay child support, huh? You stupid dog. You don't even have a job to support any kids - heck, you don't even pay rent or utilities as it is. In this day and time, they will take you to court over this stuff.
HE: Oh, smart one - where am I going to get a job huh? Who's going to hire me? I'm a DOG! get with the program.
ME: You missed the point I'm making entirely. No job, and you out there making allot of babies while the poor mommy dogs are stuck with rearing the child dogs all by themselves. Thats just not showing responsibility at all.
HE: Poor mommy dogs? Lets get this right - they are Bitches. Not mommy dogs. Where'd you get your education? in a retard factory?
ME: I have you know my education is... HEY! Who's the one in charge here? You seem to forget who's driving and what your destination point is! If I were in your shoes I'd be doing some begging, MISTER!
HE: Well let me see. If I beg you right now, for mercy and all that, will you take me back home and forget about this whole ugly business at hand?
ME: Nope - your boys are history, dude.
HE: Then I'm not begging for no reason, no way, no how! Uhm..., after this thing is over, I wont be talking funny and have a tendency of wearing cheap red-light district dresses will I?
ME: No.., thats pure idiocy. But you will be walking funny for a while.
HE: Oh thats just great! The guys will be calling me names and insults and stuff. "Look! There's Stumpy!" or "Walking a little limp pawed aren't we?" or "Hey girl, you be lookin' fine" or worse.
ME: Well, well. Looks like we're here Buddy.
HE: Look, maybe we can cut a deal here. I'll leave the bitches alone and stay at home from now on. How's that?
ME: We tried this talk before and you broke your promise. We MUST do this. There are NO options. Got it?
HE: Oh God in heaven! Don't do this to me! I'll be good! I'll be a preacher dog or something, just lets not do this okay? Dude! Look into my eyes.., look deeply into my sad.., puppy eyes....., you are now under my power. You will turn this car around and head home. When we get there you will only remember we went for a short drive. You will forget about the whole snip-snip thing.
ME: Eh.., I don't think so Buddy. The Amazing Kreskin, you are not.
HE: Okay - lets do this, but after its over, I'd hide the scissors and sleep with one eye open at night if I were you, MISTER GELDING!
It should be interesting to see if Buddy now has a greater appreciation for things including my strong sound arguments and justifications for having him fixed. Excuse me now. I have to hide the scissors.
Posted at 10:26 am - Scribbled out by Daveman
-Alternate Reality Speak-