Herb and Friends spill their guts... and you have to clean it up!
They had the power to bring change... too bad it was just for a buck-fourty-nine
MY WISH LIST
Yes, you can buy my silence or just get me something because you've enjoyed my blog content and feel guilty for reading it for free. You can even buy me something if you hate my blog - your punishment in this way is more than I can stand. Or, you can just look through and wish along with me.
LADIES: News! You might want to start going Au Natural for a while. NO! Don't start walking around nekkit. I'm talking about your make up - or at least part of it. It seems quite a bit of lip stick, even the popular brands contain lead, based on recent tests. Click here for the full news article.
Let me introduce, Buddy, who also answers to the names, Cowboy, Buddy Wuddy, Bo Bo and perhaps a half dozen other names. He's a transient, that has been kind of adopted by a select few neighbors, but mainly haunts the place where I abode. Myself and baby brother (who's as big as a house) aka TVI..., pitched in with a local animal group to get poor buddy neutered. It seems the other neighbors while fond of Buddy, were not quite THAT fond of Buddy. He's a Border Collie mix. I can only guess they think a Border Collie is an illegal or something.
Yesterday I took him to have the deed done, and have to pick him up today. The trip down there left a feeling of sending poor Buddy to his execution. The conversation in the car went something like this..,
ME: Sorry dude. This hurts me more than it does you, but hey, this is the price you pay when you keep running after loose females.
HE: Dang! You are a cruel SOB! I cant help it! The ladies are so fine and I'm just providing a service.., ya know. And how is it going to hurt you worse than me? You freak!
ME: Yeah right. You knock up some girl K9s and how are you gunna pay child support, huh? You stupid dog. You don't even have a job to support any kids - heck, you don't even pay rent or utilities as it is. In this day and time, they will take you to court over this stuff.
HE: Oh, smart one - where am I going to get a job huh? Who's going to hire me? I'm a DOG! get with the program.
ME: You missed the point I'm making entirely. No job, and you out there making allot of babies while the poor mommy dogs are stuck with rearing the child dogs all by themselves. Thats just not showing responsibility at all.
HE: Poor mommy dogs? Lets get this right - they are Bitches. Not mommy dogs. Where'd you get your education? in a retard factory?
ME: I have you know my education is... HEY! Who's the one in charge here? You seem to forget who's driving and what your destination point is! If I were in your shoes I'd be doing some begging, MISTER!
HE: Well let me see. If I beg you right now, for mercy and all that, will you take me back home and forget about this whole ugly business at hand?
ME: Nope - your boys are history, dude.
HE: Then I'm not begging for no reason, no way, no how! Uhm..., after this thing is over, I wont be talking funny and have a tendency of wearing cheap red-light district dresses will I?
ME: No.., thats pure idiocy. But you will be walking funny for a while.
HE: Oh thats just great! The guys will be calling me names and insults and stuff. "Look! There's Stumpy!" or "Walking a little limp pawed aren't we?" or "Hey girl, you be lookin' fine" or worse.
ME: Well, well. Looks like we're here Buddy.
HE: Look, maybe we can cut a deal here. I'll leave the bitches alone and stay at home from now on. How's that?
ME: We tried this talk before and you broke your promise. We MUST do this. There are NO options. Got it?
HE: Oh God in heaven! Don't do this to me! I'll be good! I'll be a preacher dog or something, just lets not do this okay? Dude! Look into my eyes.., look deeply into my sad.., puppy eyes....., you are now under my power. You will turn this car around and head home. When we get there you will only remember we went for a short drive. You will forget about the whole snip-snip thing.
ME: Eh.., I don't think so Buddy. The Amazing Kreskin, you are not.
HE: Okay - lets do this, but after its over, I'd hide the scissors and sleep with one eye open at night if I were you, MISTER GELDING!
It should be interesting to see if Buddy now has a greater appreciation for things including my strong sound arguments and justifications for having him fixed. Excuse me now. I have to hide the scissors.
Okay - I'm wondering if I need to stay home. Something is REALLY WRONG with me. I'm serious. My normal blasé days are becoming too ..., different! Last week I get hit on by two younger women. Thats two of them, both about 19-20 years of age, in two different locations same day.
They were really look-some women if I do say myself - well - the one had a really pretty face but dressed to make Trailer Trash Barby some hot competition. She was filthy as in her clothes were nasty. The other was cleaner - but found the old "Smash the cart into mine" rouse as a preferred method of meeting men. I don't trust women who use these measures to meet me. Needless to say - unless they were old souls in youthful ADULT bodies and some major things in common, I don't want to waste their time or mine. I'm too old and the clock is still ticking.
Today I took me mom to Wally World's so she could do some shopping for groceries - and while I was there, far too many people were calling me "Sir", nodding hello, waving, Smiling real big and talking to me like I was somebody important or something. I panicked, ran to the mens room to check my fly - which was in place (whew!) Next I examined my shirt in case I had it buttoned wrong - which would have been hard to do since it was a pull over shirt. Everything was in place.
The only element I noticed in the mirror was something that I had not paid attention to before. I actually have more gray hairs than ever! That many? Cheeze! They were NOT there last month, so what thuh...? Is this the secret to my success lately? My gray hair? Do men show me respect and women swoon at my very slight peppery gray haired presence? I'm not one for attention in real life - just on this blog.
I'm a shy guy who evades personal attention by nature. Am I going to be a celeb despite myself? I fear tomorrow I may see my picture on the cover of People Magazine under, "Sexiest Gray Haired Man on the Planet" and strangers will send me money for a lock of my hair while Herb gets wealthy selling my phone number to those hollywierd women with mega bux. He knows how I hate talking on the phone, and would do this to pay me back for all those stinky jokes.
[Note To Self: Change Phone Number just in case]
It's not easy being me these days. I complain about my back and knee pains - then my gray hair and BAM! Suddenly people adore me. Thats just not right somehow. It throws the whole universal balance of nature out of whack somehow, doesn't it? Maybe THAT is the cause of global warming experiencing a sudden rate of acceleration. Its just a theory I have people, so don't come pounding on my door with protest signs. Besides - its something I cant help. Its like a train wreck gone good. I just cant explain it.
THE CAPTION CONTEST (last entry) is going good! Lots of really good captions. When the deadline approaches, I may possibly, potentially allow YOU to vote for the winner. Yes, Its true. YOU will select the winner, possibly. For the moment, I am debating on grabbing a few innocent victims who are neutral and have them help me narrow it down to the top 10 - then turn you loose on each other and fight over the bones until only one is left standing. This Caption Contesting thing isn't as easy as it seems. I will henceforth leave the regular practice up to Diesel on his blawg, and do my own caption contests periodically. They are fun though aren't they! I think they are. THE CAPTION CONTEST is still open until Saturday - so if you have a good one, go ahead and throw it in now.
[NOTE:On same person Multiple Entries in the Caption Contest - I will pick the best one of those multiple entries by same person to narrow or whittle down the voting process for you peeps.]
Arg! People are schtupid sometimes. Actually, its some people all the time, and the rest of us just once in a sometimes.., except you, my dear readers who NEVER do anything stupid. (nice save or what?)
I want to buy those half moon packaged Apple Pies - the Blue Bird brand quit specifically - right? And they like cost a small fortune in most stores unless you buy the Little Debbie brand. Blue Bird brand is 90˘ each where as Little Debbie brand is 50˘ each - but imagine my surprise to find the Blue Bird brand at the Dollar General for just 50˘ each!
Now, here's my gripe; no matter what store you buy the Blue Bird brand, some IDIOTS for some reason feel they have to SQUEEZE the package's guts out, and once ruined (crushed) they decide they don't want to buy it. I suspect its the same schtupid people who SQUEEZE the guts out of fruits and veggies, and never buy the ones they ruin.
If you know people like this - inform them that no human being on this Earth can detect the freshness of a pie buy SQUEEZING its guts out! Thats why they have EXPIRATION DATES on them! **cue Dave in a Chevy Chase stomping tantrum**
And as for tomatoes, plums or whatever else - when Chef's say they feel the fruit and veggies for freshness - THEY DO NOT SQUEEZE its guts out! No! They FEEL it. There is an art to the process. Just hold the gosh darn thing in your hand. Tactile feel does not mean SQUISHING! [insert violent screaming session here]
I am a hairs breadth away from establishing my own vegetable & pie police department, complete with its own set of laws. People who get caught SQUEEZING veggies, fruits or pies would be forced to buy EVERY veggie or fruit or that other customers ruined and never got caught OR face the wheel. The wheel you ask?
Its a gizmo what I seen on one of the Mad Max movies where they chant "Bust a Deal, Face the Wheel!". Its like that big wheel on Wheel of Fortune. Spin it to see what your punishment will be. One of which would be banishment to a country where they don't care about the condition of fruits just so long as its edible.
Speaking of which - as I put up the cart at Wally World's.., I seen their trash container had written in the side of it "Inedible". Are people that stupid there's a need to write inedible on the side of a TRASH CAN!? Children to young to understand that eating from trash cans is bad, CANT READ! Hello?
"Deep breaths, Daveman.., deep breaths!" - yeah - sorry. I got a grip now. I'm cool. I'm good. All settled down now. I deeply apologize for this rant. But I'm good now. [insert another Daveman doing the Chevy Chase body throw down, kicking, screaming, convulsing]
Blue Bird brand apple pies are perfect! Not too sweet, not too tart. Most other brands are too sweet, too tart. Okay, they all are fattening, but thats okay if they taste right. Warm one up and dip a little vanilla ice cream on it. Mmmm-mmmm-mmm!
CHEVY CHASE, HAVING A FIT (About 3 minutes into the 5 minute video) From "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation"
If I were to try to have a big family Christmas gathering, I am sure, poor Clark Griswold's xmas would be perfect by comparison. The problems that would arise would be Biblical proportioned, I'm sure of it.
I'm not going to get a chance to update today either. Its just not in the cards. I looked! They didn't say that exactly.., because cards don't actually talk. Big shock there, let me tell you.
So Jack sign languages to the Queen, "Dave isn't going to be able to update his blog today". And the Queen sign languages to the King the same thing. I hate those cards.
I actually did know sign language for a while. I still remember some of it, very little in fact. I learned ASL (American Sign Language) back when I was married to Ditsy (my one and only daughter's mother - not to be confused with Cujo, ex #2).., she had a deaf sister - and I got tired of writing things out.
But anyways - just to let you know - I wont be blogging today either. But I'll have Herb do some tap dancing for your entertainment until I do get a chance to update. Herb is the best tap dancinger person I never saw tap dancing. Scott also does a great impression Telly Savalas (Tvs 70s Kojak)..., he might show up and do it for you.
Blues Brutha moved locations - here; http://bluesbrutha.blogdrive.com/ so if you need Guitaring advice or etiquette on coffee drinking or binge drinking, he's the man to see.
Am taking a break today. Not one word will I write. Nope. Not gunna happen. I'll see you soon, barring earthquakes, tornadoes or an attack by killer Hamsters .., you know.., natural every day disasters that are beyond my control