*** holds mirror up to face *** - Nope I don't see any vanity in there - just sheer perfection, baby.  Y'know.., I really do have a dislike of vain people. It takes all the attention away from me. And we cant have that, now can we.

 

On a serious note, I use the larger than life vanity thing as a self debasing form of humor, kind of like the departed, "take my wife please", Rodney Dangerfield . Uhm.., I think he's dead isn't he?  In real life (as some of you long time regulars have picked up on) I'm quite the reverse..., and I do hope that isn't a let down for anyone..., I mean.., you worship the ground I walk on after all for Pete's sake.  By the way - no one has explained to me yet who this Pete person is everyone refers to. We talking Mod Squad, Pete or Pecos Pete or ???

 

I say self debasing humor, because really - isn't vanity actually a bad thing when its exploded to complete "selfishness"?  all of us have a certain amount of vanity or else we wouldnt dress up so, or try to seek more important status in life. Most of us however maintain a proper perspective of ourselves and allow room for others to shine, even when they don't shine, we like to make them feel they do (and thank you for your support, let me say).

 

I'm not a selfish type person - or at least not the point I play up pretty big at times. I do have a level of humility and to illustrate that point, I'd give you the shirt off Herb's back, if you needed it.  If I were vain, I'd give you the shirt off my back just to show off my flabby perfection. But nooo - thats not my bag, baby.  Its not.  No really.  Thats my chin which often gets mistaken for a bag.

 

Now that I have laid to rest any suspicions you may have had about me, The Daveman.., I .., The Daveman.., shall take my leave and allow you time to absorb all of this.

 

I'm the Daveman

       .., but you wish you were; you poor misguided souls

The Swiss - who invented cheese with HOLES IN IT! have set their scientists loose again.  This time they have determined that the 1st born child has a higher IQ than his or her siblings.  That works fine I guess unless you're an only child which could mean you're dumber than the holes in a brick of swiss cheese.  I dunno. I'm just guessing here on the Swiss logic and not trying to alienate my, only child audience.  In my opinion, the only child is a fortunate child. The lucky ducks. No posturing for attention and power - you know that just has to rule!

 

Considering this new IQ data - I am the middle finger of three boys which leaves me feeling like.., the middle finger! Well.., we're all three grown men now but seriously have my doubts about the youngest. Gawd! I wonder how that boy even knows how to operate a door knob sometimes.  Anyway - so according to this new study, my big brother is much smarter than me.  I will give him that, but life has a way of balancing things out.

 

I still have my hair (knock wood), its not gone completely gray yet AND I have the looks AND I have a blog! Does big bubba have those things? I think not!  So there you have it.  He has the brains, I have the looks and a blog so what else is there in life?  But let me degrease.  I feel sorry for my baby brother.... Yeah right! In a pigs eye hole! YEAH! I SO RAWK! Aren't you glad I am a humble man! Just think what I would be like without my truckloads of humility.

 

If or when big bubba reads this entry I'm dead meat in oh so many ways!  He will think.., "Does Daveman have a death wish?".., to which I would say.., "Yeah, maybe I do! What ya gunna do about it!?" and he would say, "I'm gunna pound your face in, like hamburger meat!" and I would say..., "Oh yeah!? HEY, MOM! MAV JUST SAID YOU'RE STUPID!".., and then I would run my butt off just as in the old days.., err.., except at a slower gait.

 

Okay - reality check;  My older brother and I are well past those adolescent rituals. We left those childish antics behind umpteen years and years ago thus big bro and I get along really well. After all, big bro, I concede, is the superior intellect, and I am superior to baby brother's microbial sized IQ..., and well.. need I remind you about my good looks and major kickin' blog? I SO RAWK, BABY! Even my wrinkles are looking good!  Things really do balance out in life.  Sometimes. Woot!  **as dave walks away, you even notice his gimpy limp is extra sexy this morning**

Once Upon a Time, many years ago.., in a galaxy far, far, away... It was around three o'clock in the morning, and the party was winding down. I excused myself and promptly left. Thirty miles later the interstate hardly any traffic at all.  Suddenly I felt like I was being watched - an unearthly feeling. I looked in the rear view mirror casually and back to the road ahead.

 

That creepy sensation hit me again.., this time it was as if something or someone had breathed on my neck.., the hairs standing on end.., I was REALLY creeped out.  Again my eyes drifted to the rear view mirror... EYES!  Eyes from the darkness.., large eyes and heavy breath accompanied by a deep groan - it was in my back seat!

 

I locked the breaks up tight, tires squalling - the car sent sliding sideways of the pavement. The door flung open and I was gone outta my precious ride in a heartbeat. The scene was so surreal as I stood some fifteen or twenty feet away watching my car expecting something horrible to come tearing through metal, its fangs and claws ready to rip me to shreds - or perhaps leave me alive and wounded to turn into a nocturnal creature of the night.

 

Nothing. I waited a minute more and slowly approached the car reassuring myself it was all my imagination, perhaps exhaustion from the late night extravaganza.  Closer I edged.  The interior dome light was on.., closer, I could see nothing... next to the car now and... its head popped up ..., "Woof! Woof!"

 

That ding dang party host's dog had hijacked my car at the party!!!! A beautiful black Labrador.  That misadventure taught me - keep the windows rolled up when visiting other people for any reason.  I took the dog back the next afternoon - and the dude laughed his Heiney off upon my recap of earlier events. And yes, before leaving, the back seats were examined.

Hello, I'm the Daveman.  You might not remember me from such films as,  Star Wars; episode 2,  Spiderman,  Hocus Pocus  and oh so much more. But not to worry. You probably don't remember me from them because I was never in them.  I watched them - was there in the theater - but not in them.

 

My acclaim to fame here is - I'm that guy who never even co-starred in a hit movie.  I do autographs and will also pose for pictures, but I'm not cheap.  Easy, yes. Cheap, no!  Just imagine the pride swelling in your chest as you proudly tell friends, neighbors and relatives that YOU personally know, that guy who never even co-starred in a major hit movie; the Daveman!  People will envy you to no end. Actually it really depends on how stupid they are, but then  you should know there are lots of stupid people out there.

 

You have your assignment.  Carry it out or I will summon a plague of locusts and flies to infest your nether regions! I can do that ya know. Need I point out that I also didn't star in the Ten Commandments as Charlton Heston!  Go! Now! Salley forth! She must go with you too.

 

Be sure to read my autobiography...,

I stepped out on the back porch last night and was startled by "the lawyer"!  There he was, looking me in the eye and introduced his self with the typical hiss.  He wore a sleek long black suit, and you could tell he exuded with confidence by the look in his beady little eyes.

 

The conversation was short, and ordered him off the property. The lawyer failed to comply and held his ground in defiance, as if he owned the place.  I'm sorry to say I lost my cool and tried to show Mr. Lawyer my new variation of the Mexican Hat Dance..., I call it.., "The Lawyer Carpet Dance".., only because "the river dance" had already been taken.

 

My feet went to work, he was down, I tried to stomp a mud hole in his head but the slithery baskard was quick, darting in and out with his retreat and strike tactics.  What felt like an eternity must have actually been mere seconds..., and even though I ejected the lawyer from my porch.., my back was now in supreme pain.., while Mr Lawyer slithered away UNDER the porch otherwise unscathed. I hope at least I injured his pride. Ack!

 

The moral to this story, ladies and gentlemen.., when a black snake all of three feet long decides to perch his self on your porch - get garden variety hoe (no street slang intended) or shovel..., and smack that sucker. Unless of course you are a Steve Irwin snake lover.., in which case I guess you'd just walk up and give the darn clammy thing a big wet kiss.  If you have a bad back and do battle with a snake - cheat.

 

I have no idea if this snake was poisonous or not.  I really don't need anyone getting bit by the snake be he is or be he isn't toxic if you know what I mean.   There was almost a dejavu about it as last year (or was it the year before last?) a Cotton Mouth snake - very poisonous and highly aggressive startled me as I walked in the yard - the darn thing smacked my leg, and drew back for another strike.., of course by then I was racing for the garden hoe - and he ended up daid!   While the snake did make contact - I suppose that his teeth didn't sink in my skin perhaps by his striking angle.  In other words - I was darn well, lucky!

 

Okay - I'm done.  Meeting dismissed.  Go back home and keep your eyes open for them slithery sneaky snakes.  And lawyers too I might add.