It was one long night of misadventure and a very true account of the one episode in the life and times of Daveman. Call this a confession because I no longer do the Santa Clause thang. I'll cover my "complex" views of Christmas either in the next post or in one just prior to Christmas eve. Now I present to you.....
---------- P A R T --- ONE ----------
Back when I was a young man of around 21, maybe 22 I worked at the Mall taking care of the island greens, fixing the power mowers, striping the parking areas and even setting up and assembling the Mall's interior decorations (Santa's North Pole and Train Rides), things like that. It was during December one cold and blustery day with the night time closing in fast and not a single Mall Santa could be found! The main Santa phoned in sick, and not one of the six or so backup Santas could be located.
The Mall Santa Service (a separate independent business from the Mall itself), started bugging all the Mall employees and no one wanted the job. We already heard the horror stories from Mac, the main Mall Santa. I guess I had "sucker" written all over my face because they latched onto me, begging and pleading. "Just for one night" they promised.
There were three problems; #1 - They Had to Clear it with my Bosses. I'd also be off the clock and not making my usual $8/hour. #2 - Money! I was not about to endure being peed on, having kids hit me, insult me and do worse for schtinking Mall Santa minimum wages. #3 - I wanted a date with one of the Santa's Helper Elfettes who made my mouth water. Turned out she was married so I had to forget that one. Homeboy just don't mess wit married womens.
---------- P A R T --- T W O ----------
The negotiations were tough - the Mall Santa Service said they couldn't afford my required $15/hour. In stepped my "almost" buddy, the head of Mall Security who acted on my behalf. He brokered the deal and I ended up with $11/hour, a PAID 30 minute break every hour because the Fat Suits are hot. We had them were we wanted them because they couldn't get another Santa so late in day. We had a deal. [Fat Suit, was really just stuffed with pillows and cotton bat fillers]
While there were some pleasant moments - the bad ones were bad. I was indeed peed on, had my beard pulled, had to answer why I did not remember what they wanted for Christmas "Santa! I wrote you already. You know what I want!" and then there were the kickers and screamers but Santa's elfettes should learn to shut up - and not tell Missus Clause. AHEM.., ( i wasn't married - a joke folks).
The main perk was when the Mall Security escorted me back to the Santa's North Pole for to see the kiddies after break.., I heard some young womens scream out.., "HEY SANTA!". I turned around on the escalator when this beautiful Cheerleader had bounded up the moving steps smooched me on the mouth and ran away.
"WAIT! SANTA DIDN'T GIVE YOU HIS PRESENT YET!" I billowed - and was nudged in the ribs by the security officer who reminded me about the children watching Santa. "CANDY! I HAVE CANDY...FOR YOU" came my attempt at a quick save. The rest of the Cheerleader Squad laughed and made a quick cheer for Satan Nick.., I mean, Saint Nick. Yes - Its true. I was once a sexy Santa Clause - my shame is now known to all.
Almost to Santa's North Pole a child started walking my way and wanted a hug. As I leaned down to give the lad his hug, my beard fell off. This poor child (perhaps six years old) screamed in horror.., "MOMMY! SANTA's FACE IS BALD!". This kid was in absolute shock.., I'm serious. No doubt he required intensive psychological therapy after that.
Back in Satan's Lair.., I mean.., Uhm.., Santa's North Pole they kids were unleashed again. One young man wanted REAL hand grenades, machine guns, tanks..., and was upset with answer.. "Santa only deals in toys" and I got kicked. One woman slapped two newborn twins in my lap for a picture - and in a Fat Suit.., the babies were slipping.., I kept telling the woman and she insisted I hold still for her eternity of blinding flash shots. Finally one of the cute Elfettes came to the rescue just before the one infant slid off. WHEW! ........next up.... the thug ....
---------- P A R T --- T H R E E ----------
Then this thug was walking closely to the Cashbox.., Santa's elfette tried to call security on the two-way but no one answered so she made some crude hand signs to clue me in. As this fellow edged closer to the box - I stood up walked over to the man. A reasonably tall Santa with a pithed off glaze in his eyes descending his direction sent the fellow on the run without a word said and fortunately without a violent scene.
Later I found out this same thug stole some liquor from the liquor store in the Mall. And he had a GUN!? That was a concerning thought. Anyway - a Santa's job is NOT an easy one despite whatever perks are offered. I should have held out for $15 an hour. That one night turned into an adventuresome bizarre American Graffiti moment. It seemed to go on for a lifetime. Come 10:pm I was glad to get out of that hot suit and back into my civvies. Never more, Lenore, never more!
Sorry folks - while I tried to hang onto my picture of me as Santa with his elfettes it was lost somewhere over the time. No big loss I guess.
--------- Coming Up - My Grinchness on Xmas
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